Every once in a while I go on a random blog hop, in exploration of beautiful imagery and interesting reads. I suppose it happens to all of us – one link leads to another and another… This week I found the blog Peekadoo. Beautiful, stirring artwork on the blog, so touching to me. Every week she has a theme word that folks can participate in interpreting. This week’s word happens to be “Mother” and this week especially the word hits me to the core.
The story starts from the decision my husband and I made – to find a puppy to join our family. I come from a family of dog lovers and we’ve always had pets growing up. Living here in Italy though, we don’t have as much space. However, we decided that it would work out with a semi-house dog given our space restrictions. Since I work from home, I will be available to take the him out for lots of walks – or he’s supposed to take me out so I don’t lock myself indoors too much! We decided on a West Highland White Terrier because they are super cute and fiesty! But seriously, because we like the idea of a big dog in a small body…it fits our personalities. We spent a lot of time doing research, talking to people and surveying the scene. Finally we found a local breeder who didn’t have any puppies at the time, but said we can check back in a while because there was a couple being matched. We waited and finally some beautiful puppies were born…but all female. We wanted a male, so kept waiting. Around Eastertime our future puppy was finally born. We were so darn happy even though we had to wait three more months before he would come home to us. It truly was like a part of our family came into existence! This week however, we received the worst possible news. Our puppy didn’t make it past the first month…oh my…oh my. When my husband called with the news I couldn’t really process it. I was sad, but sort of numb because it felt so strange to lose something I didn’t even really have yet. Suddenly my mind was spiralling into morbid thoughts of how it might be sign, how we were not meant to have a puppy…if we were already bad parents?! I know it’s all silly thoughts, but they drove me into a reflective mood, pondering the role of a mother. Just being a caretaker in general puts you in the same role. Damn it’s hard…I feel it already even though I’m not fully into it.
I felt that horrible feeling of wanting the best for your little one, but not being able to make it happen because it’s all out of my control. Lumps in my throat…it was silly and crazy and numbing and morbid and sad and everything else at the same time. I’m not sure I can fully explain it even after this whole week has passed. Both my husband and I are super sad, but we know that it’s okay to move forward and perhaps there is a puppy out there for us yet. Although we thought about other options and next steps, there are still lingering thoughts in my mind about our first puppy-to-be. How he might have looked at a week old or what kind of dog he would have been. It probably didn’t help that I doodled an image of him at three months to envision what he would look like upon arrival. Sigh…we are such sentimental creatures. And I have to say…perhaps now I understand my own mom’s feelings a bit better…the role she takes in my life.
So all this week I’ve been thinking about being a mother and the extremities of emotions in being in that role. I don’t know really what it is like to be a mother yet, but even with this first semi-experience I find it so emotionally stirring. I’ve always said that I’m not ready to be a mother yet…there’s so much I still want to do sans kids. Perhaps it’s selfish, but I want to be fully ready…or is that even possible? The positive note is that even though difficulties and doubts, I am certain I want to be a mother one day. No doubt about that!
So that’s what’s on my mind and I suppose I’ll carry these thoughts with me through the weekend and try to understand it all. Sorry if this was such a sad post, I didn’t want it to be a downer! Thanks for stopping by as always and I hope you have a wonderful weekend. Ciao ciao!
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16 Comments
Oh Linda I am so sorry for you and your husband. There is a puppy out there for you, you’ve both so much love to share. Kiss kiss to the poor little one. Nature is so heartbreaking sometimes.
Have a nice weekend, perhaps a trip to shelter(: So many dogs to love out there.
Thank you for your thoughts, Aris. We are definitely open to a lot of options…he’s out there somewhere for us
this is quite sad. i agree with Aris re the shelter ~ i reckon it would be a great feeling to save a dog/puppy. tho it would be hard to chose just one. fingers crossed for you
Thanks belinda…yes, shelters are an option but we haven’t found the one that can join our family. Interestingly enough, in our area the shelters keep their dogs for quite a long time, there’s isn’t a date before putting them to sleep. Perhaps the overpopulation issue isn’t as bad here… many are quite happy living at the shelter
So sad, but I’m so glad to read about all the research you have done and the waiting. A lot of people jump into dog ownership without thinking/planning. You sound like you have a huge amount of love and responsible ownership to share…you just need to wait a bit longer.
Thanks Hannah. Yup, it’s a big decision and we know it’ll change our lives…so we are very mindful of all the details…to make sure we do the best we can…sigh sigh.
You’ll get there. Feel as selfish as you want; there’s no harm in it. If we weren’t a little selfish, we wouldn’t last very long in this life. That’s for sure.
And what’s so selfish about living without kids, anyway? What is so non-selfish about having kids? Since there is no dire population demand, the only reasons for becoming a mother would be in the name of self-interest.
*shrugs*
I totally understand what you mean, thanks for your words of wisdom. I think we are often too hard on ourselves…darn the societal norms!
ehhhh I hope my comment isn’t taken the wrong way. I just mean to say it’s fruitless to worry about being selfish, because it is unavoidable! Personally, I think being a martyr is much worse!
Not at all! I understand…and thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts
motherhood is a journey – whether you are a mother to a beloved animal or child. it stretches and expands you in ways you never thought possible and it forces you to face the best and worst parts of yourself along the way. it is a continual lesson but one that allows your heart to crack open to the universe. i wish you all the best as you journey into motherhood – and may a special dog find its way to you.
warmly, s
Awe…thanks so much for your wise words. Motherhood is definitely a journey…I’m looking forward to it one day and fearing it at the same time!
Dear Linda,
Please don’t be too hard on yourself. No doubt you are sweet and loving and some lucky puppy will find his way to your home and your heart
Hugs,
Carmen
Hi Carmen, thank you for your kind words. Yes, know we have to move onward…he’s out there
somewhere…
Oh, I’m so sorry about your puppy! I’m a dog-lover too, so I would be really sad about this too! Also, my husband and I often talk about these same topics. Having a dog has given us a taste of what it might be like to have a kid—even thought we know it’s just a small glimpse because obviously a child is a much larger commitment than a dog. But we have such an emotional attachment to our dog, and then there’s also the other side of it—the taking care of him and how that makes it more difficult to do certain things. Having a dog is a good pre-training for parenthood in that way! We often talk about how we are most definitely not even close to ready to have children, proven by the frustration we feel sometimes about managing our dog when we want to fly away for a weekend!
I very much appreciate your contemplations here, and I hope that you are able to find some solace over the weekend! Also, I’m wishing a new cute puppy your way!
Hi Nicole…thanks for your kind words. It is definitely a sad experience, but I suppose we are learning from it either way. I know what you mean about pre-training for parenthood. It’s definitely a huge difference when there’s that someone who relies on your for everything! We’ve definitely talked about all those situations and how our life will change…it’s a big decision and I wish that everyone who decided to get a pet really thought it through. Just yesterday we went out to dinner and a group left their poor poodle locked in their car, windows completely closed. It was so sad…
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