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I used to be a project manager and although I was by no means perfect at it, looking back I see how much easier it was to manage other people…to see the big picture and offer advice, options, solutions to the problem, etc. It made sense looking in from the outside I suppose. Of course, I’ve since quit that job and always thought it would be easier to manage myself and plow through projects. Boy was I completely wrong. It is so many times more difficult to manage oneself…or maybe it’s just me?

Then I got to thinking about how it’s so true that when working in a group, the accountability to others…to NOT miss deadlines that others are depending on and such…it seems to be so much stronger in my mind. When you are only accountable to yourself, things seem to slide…you reschedule, relist and re-everything with life excuses. In a way, it’s great to have the flexibility, but on the other hand – it just seems we stink at being accountable to ourselves. At least, that’s the way it is for me so far. I mean, I would never miss a deadline or break a promise I’ve made with others. When it comes to a team effort, I am sure to put in my all and even go beyond expectations. All my partnerships whether formal or informal are really important to me and I always keep my word. I take pride in my professionalism and performance…often described as a very dependable person!

However, all of that wonderfulness seems to drip away when it comes to myself and my own projects. Granted I have the most ginormous list of projects ever…but why do I disappoint myself like that?! I would never treat others that way…why do I end up being a bad “partner” to myself? I realized that not keeping to my own goals…it’s like I don’t have respect for myself. Gosh, is it a deep-rooted issue or am I just overreacting to the fact that we ALL don’t get our plans done and end up being lazy sometimes? Hmm…

Well there still remains the difference in accountability and it troubles me. When something needs to be done for others, I definitely pull through and never disappoint – hey, it’s a reflection of me, right? However, I repeatedly give up on my own plans and goals, pushing them further and further out because of xyz. How can I be so shallow to care what others think and not treat myself well – not having realized until now?! Oh woe is me… maybe I am overreacting, but I just started thinking about this and sort of wanted to stop the insanity. I should have the best accountability to myself if no one else! Shouldn’t the most effort be for myself – at least most of the times? I know that many people often sacrifice and don’t want to seem selfish…but I am worthy as BrenĂ© Brown promotes. Yeah, say it with me – “Hello, world! I am worthy!”

So now I have to show it to myself… I’ve decided to take 26 weekdays and do an A-Z art journal of my feelings. The idea came from a comment left on my A-Z scrapbook – thanks Anita! Yeah, it’s all about me again and I’ll post my daily pages here on the blog. I’ll start on Monday, October 25th with some prepping and go all the way through November (since it’s also Art Everyday Month). I guess announcing this holds me accountable to blog readers and not just myself…but hey, baby steps. Here goes one of my personal projects…just because…

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