It’s difficult to admit that so much time has passed since I was officially given the job title of ‘mom.’ In the beginning months, it was extremely difficult for me to feel anywhere near ‘on top of things,’ but we all expect chaos with a newborn in the house.
Fast forward and it’s been over a year now. Unfortunately, I still feel frazzled and dazed much of the time. When I have moments to myself the feeling of overwhelm really envelops me. After duties as a caretaker then the freelance jobs… at the end of the day (which is really only like 9pm) I’m physically and emotionally fried.
The details of my days are different than those early chaotic months and the specifics continue to change week to week with a growing boy. The point of the issue is that through it all, I’m feeling down.There’s really no other way to put it.
There’s no question that I’m honored and grateful to have a healthy, happy little boy in my life. I want this job title of ‘mom’ and bear it proudly. It’s just that I lost my own identity in the process.
I’m not only a mom - there’s so much more I want to do in life.
Suffice to say, I’ve been in incubation mode for a long time. Lots of thinking, journaling, processing. I’m optimistic that I’ll find my way, but it’s definitely a rocky road. I thank everyone for their thoughts on this subject and universally, people always offer their understanding. That’s just parenthood, right?
But I have realized that the pitiful looks and understanding have sort of held me back. I mean, it helps that others understand my position, but at the end of the day, understanding doesn’t change anything.
Ultimately, I am the only one that can really make a change in my life.
I might be dead tired, but I can still spend 5 minutes doodling and sleep with an inkling of creativity under my belt for the day. Or instead of getting reeled into Facebook or other social media ‘zone-out’ activities, I can read a novel. Or maybe I just need to nestle in the silence and calm. Stand still and really soak it in.
In a certain sense, we are always alone. It’s really up to me and me alone to make a change. There’s always a choice…
Do you let yourself slip away, just going through the motions or can you conjure up the strength to break free?
I’m going to try my hardest to choose change.
Wish me luck.