Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the future and where I’m headed. I’m grateful for all that I have – an amazing, supportive and loving husband – a healthy, happy newborn baby – wonderful family and friends all around me. All that while living in Tuscany, Italy. Can’t complain…
But of course, there are still so many ambitions and goals to be met. Changing career paths hasn’t been easy.
I’m still discovering so much about myself… it’s a rocky road adventure for sure.
New experiences are exciting, but at this point in my life the calling for security is strong. It’s not just me that I have to care for – marriage changes things, but really it’s motherhood that changes it all.
I’ve been thinking about how the future is unknown and our lives could be changed at any moment. All the beauty and wonder could dissolve in a moment. Natural disasters, accidents, life… it can happen. I remember reading in Brene Brown’s books and relating so much to her confession of unwarranted terror. The terror we can feel when everything is lovely, for fear that it’ll be smeared away in an instant.
In the silence of the night I often stare into the darkness and worry. What if something were to change our situation dramatically? It’s all so scary.
When I feel meek and inadequate, it’s easy to spiral down. The transitions in my life have always been difficult for me, I just try to concentrate on the positive side. But it doesn’t mean those demons don’t resurface once in a while. I had a successful career and made good money a few years back… but now I’m working as a hungry freelancer / stay at home mom. So much more in many ways, but so much less in other ways.
Some days I feel like wonder woman. Other days I feel like a failure.
I know that I must take it day by day. I know it’s just the beginning and I need to calm down and take it slow. I often think it’s my inner artist voice, cheering me on. Too often I’m overwhelmed and too occupied to listen to that voice. But I just need to quiet down… and listen.
Deep down inside of me, I truly believe that I can make it. That’s why I keep going. Keep trying. Keep moving forward.
Everything takes time and it’s all part of the process. I’ll learn and grown over time. There will be wins and losses. Keep looking forward and “just keep swimming” as Dory says.
We all have those down days. Frustration. Being unsatisfied. Resentment bubbling up. We all get those feelings… and I hate it.
But I just have to remember that it’s all going to be A-okay.
There’s still much road to be travelled, but I’ll get there. Must enjoy the ride…
It’s okay to be a work in progress… aren’t we all?