This past week has been rather challenging for me. I’ve been wrestling with some melancholy thoughts and it’s been driving me down. I’ve thought about writing out my feelings all week, but hesitated to do so. I’m not even sure why…I mean, this is my blog and it’s all about sharing my journey. I guess because there wasn’t really a point to it all…just me babbling. I don’t have a solution. My rational side gives me all the reasons not to feel bad. Unfortunately, understanding or knowing something still doesn’t help make those yucky feelings go away.

I think it all started with a post I wrote out but never published. One of those raw, unedited type of rants. It was so silly, yet so affecting. I was feeling amazingly inadequate and writing helped to release my emotional energy. I’ll spare you all the rambling and in a way, I feel even a bit ashamed about what I wrote. I was basically all depressed because something happened and it made me feel really bad. It struck that chord of sorrow within me…and I think I was so frustrated overall because I couldn’t control anything. It’s entirely a personal trouble that gets dug up by whatever external factor…that might not even seem related at all. I don’t know if this has happened to others…but…if you’ve always held a worry about something in particular – even in a totally different context, if you are reminded of it in some way, suddenly you are turning bright red and dying from the turmoil within. That’s what happened to me. I guess that’s what you call shame?

I hated the feeling and even though I could rationally tell myself reasons to NOT lament…why I should not beat myself down…it just didn’t work. Guess I don’t have any control over myself in the end? It suddenly became so disturbing – the fact that you can be hurt inside no matter what defenses or tactics you might have. I mean, once the feeling is inflamed…it’s going to be there for a while. Is it a scar that lasts forever?

So all this week, I’ve been carrying this weight of melancholy and it’s totally been distracting me from being productive in anything whatsoever. Sure I went through the motions in some respects…but I’m also behind in so many things. I have no energy. It sucks. Jeepers! What the heck is going on?! Of course, I’ve certainly tried breaking up the routine and getting my mind off things…chillin’. Can’t exactly do that forever though…

I think when you have all these crazy thoughts in your head, it just makes it impossible to create freely. It’s so frustrating. Ugh. I’ve always thought of myself as a pretty normal, easy-going kind of gal. But thinking back, I seem to go through these high and low points all the time. I suppose it’s normal…but is it really? Does this mean I’m a drama queen? Or totally imbalanced (one of my profs. said I had to find the balance…it haunts me still!) Ugh. Now I’m starting to think all this rambling is worse than my original raw post. Sigh. I think I should just go to bed…or go punch something…

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