Every once in a while I go on a random blog hop, in exploration of beautiful imagery and interesting reads. I suppose it happens to all of us – one link leads to another and another… This week I found the blog Peekadoo. Beautiful, stirring artwork on the blog, so touching to me. Every week she has a theme word that folks can participate in interpreting. This week’s word happens to be “Mother” and this week especially the word hits me to the core.

The story starts from the decision my husband and I made – to find a puppy to join our family. I come from a family of dog lovers and we’ve always had pets growing up. Living here in Italy though, we don’t have as much space. However, we decided that it would work out with a semi-house dog given our space restrictions. Since I work from home, I will be available to take the him out for lots of walks – or he’s supposed to take me out so I don’t lock myself indoors too much! We decided on a West Highland White Terrier because they are super cute and fiesty! But seriously, because we like the idea of a big dog in a small body…it fits our personalities. We spent a lot of time doing research, talking to people and surveying the scene. Finally we found a local breeder who didn’t have any puppies at the time, but said we can check back in a while because there was a couple being matched. We waited and finally some beautiful puppies were born…but all female. We wanted a male, so kept waiting. Around Eastertime our future puppy was finally born. We were so darn happy even though we had to wait three more months before he would come home to us. It truly was like a part of our family came into existence! This week however, we received the worst possible news. Our puppy didn’t make it past the first month…oh my…oh my. When my husband called with the news I couldn’t really process it. I was sad, but sort of numb because it felt so strange to lose something I didn’t even really have yet. Suddenly my mind was spiralling into morbid thoughts of how it might be sign, how we were not meant to have a puppy…if we were already bad parents?! I know it’s all silly thoughts, but they drove me into a reflective mood, pondering the role of a mother. Just being a caretaker in general puts you in the same role. Damn it’s hard…I feel it already even though I’m not fully into it.

I felt that horrible feeling of wanting the best for your little one, but not being able to make it happen because it’s all out of my control. Lumps in my throat…it was silly and crazy and numbing and morbid and sad and everything else at the same time. I’m not sure I can fully explain it even after this whole week has passed. Both my husband and I are super sad, but we know that it’s okay to move forward and perhaps there is a puppy out there for us yet. Although we thought about other options and next steps, there are still lingering thoughts in my mind about our first puppy-to-be. How he might have looked at a week old or what kind of dog he would have been. It probably didn’t help that I doodled an image of him at three months to envision what he would look like upon arrival. Sigh…we are such sentimental creatures. And I have to say…perhaps now I understand my own mom’s feelings a bit better…the role she takes in my life.

So all this week I’ve been thinking about being a mother and the extremities of emotions in being in that role. I don’t know really what it is like to be a mother yet, but even with this first semi-experience I find it so emotionally stirring. I’ve always said that I’m not ready to be a mother yet…there’s so much I still want to do sans kids. Perhaps it’s selfish, but I want to be fully ready…or is that even possible? The positive note is that even though difficulties and doubts, I am certain I want to be a mother one day. No doubt about that!

So that’s what’s on my mind and I suppose I’ll carry these thoughts with me through the weekend and try to understand it all. Sorry if this was such a sad post, I didn’t want it to be a downer! Thanks for stopping by as always and I hope you have a wonderful weekend. Ciao ciao!

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